Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest
Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.
I’m not here to talk about my personal life. I’m here to talk about bras.
Former tennis star Anna Kournikova, after being asked about her love life during a promotional event for a line of undergarments she endorses
I haven’t committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law.
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.
Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign
I get to go to lots of overseas places, like Canada.
I’m not going for the Sixteenth Chapel.
Justin Bieber, speaking about a tatoo on his arm
I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward
My initial response was to sue her for defamation of character, but then I realized that I had no character.
Charles Barkley, on hearing Tonya Harding proclaim herself “the Charles Barkley of figure skating”
People think we make $3 million and $4 million a year. They don’t realize that most of us only make $500,000.
Pete Incaviglia, former Texas Rangers outfielder on why baseball players aren’t overpaid
They’re multipurpose. Not only do they put the clips on, but they take them off.
Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers
We’re going to turn this team around 360 degrees.
Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
Hawaii doesn’t win many games in the United States.
ESPN analyst Lee Corso on the University of Hawaii’s poor record against teams in mainland America.
My career was sputtering until I did a 360 and got headed in the right direction.
Former Orlando Magic star Tracy McGrady
Thanks guys! I had no idea a pickle was really a cucumber! U guys totally confirmed it!
Kim Kardashians (via Twitter)
I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.
Professional golfer Greg Norman
I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president.
Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it.
A congressional candidate in Texas
The government is not doing enough about cleaning up the environment. This is a good planet.
Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
I don’t feel we did wrong in taking this great country away from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for themselves.
That’s so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my clothes.
Chicago Blackhawks left wing Stu Grimson, explaining why he kept color photo of himself above his locker
I ain’t gonna be no escape-goat!
NBA Hall of Famer Karl Malone
We’re not attempting to circumcise the rules.
Former Steelers head coach Bill Cowher
Rice defends against the free throw as well as anybody I’ve seen.
Former Texas A&M basketball coach Shelby Metcalf
I dunno. I never smoked any Astroturf.
Former Philly Tug McGraw on whether he preferred grass or Astroturf
Half this game is ninety percent mental.
Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
It isn’t like I came down from Mount Sinai with the tabloids.
Former Indianapolis Colts head coach Ron Meyer, on whether or not he made the right decision by starting rookie quarterback Jeff George
It’s almost like we have ESPN or something.
Lakers great Magic Johnson on how he and teammate James Worthy always work so well together on the basketball court.
Therapy can be a good thing; it can be therapeutic.
Alex Rodriguez, New York Yankees third baseman.
There someone warming up in the bullpen, but he’s obscured by his number.
Jerry Coleman, San Diego Padres broadcaster
It isn’t pollution thats harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid.
Former NFL great and current NFL analyst Terry Bradshaw
What a waste it is to lose one’s mind. Or not to have a mind is being very wasteful. How true that is.
Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line a mind is a terrible thing to waste
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC
I’ve had to overcome a lot of diversity.
Drew Gooden, Milwaukee Bucks forward-center
The police are not here to create disorder, theyre here to preserve disorder.
Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 Democratic Party Convention
Things are more like they are now than they ever were before.
Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.
Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
It’s basically the same, just darker.
Stock car racer Alan Kulwicki, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons
Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana ... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can’t remember what they are.
Matt Lauer on NBC’s Today show
It is wonderful to be here in the great state of Chicago.
Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.
Ron Atkinson, former soccer player and television pundit
The movies here are weird. You actually have to think about them.
Britney Spears, at the Cannes Film Festival, after walking out of Robert Downey Jr’s new movie, The Singing Detective halfway through
I think that gay marriage should be between a man and a woman
Arnold Schwarzeneggar, speaking on Hannity & Colmes
We must have had 99 percent of the match. It was the other three percent that cost us.
Dutch soccer manager Ruud Gullit
I’m not an athlete. I’m a professional baseball player.
Former MLB first baseman and television analyst John Kruk
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
Former U.S. Vice President Dan Quayle
We’ve got to ask ourselves: how much clean air do we need?
We’ll do all right if we can capitalize on our mistakes.
Mickey Rivers, former MLB designated hitter
Don’t say I don’t get along with my teammates. I just don’t get along with some of the guys on my team.
Former NFL wide receiver Terrell Owens
He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings.
University of Houston receiver Torrin Polk, on his coach, John Jenkins
The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It’s only the people who make them unsafe.
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia
He might’ve won the war, but the battle’s not over.
NFL running back Cadillac Williams on getting picked later in 2005 draft than his Auburn teammate Ronnie Brown
Sam is an idiot. I-D-O-U-T. Idiot.
Shaquille O’Neal on Chicago Tribune writer Sam Smith, who wrote an article suggesting the Miami Heat rid themselves of “The Big Aristotle.”
The president has kept all of the promises he intended to keep.
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the public mind.
General William Westmoreland, during the war in Vietnam
I’ve learned not to put things in my mouth that are bad for me.
Monica Lewinski, appearing on Larry King Live, discussing her weight loss through the Jenny Craig program
My second hit was a flop.
It’s humbling being humble.
Maurice Clarett, former Denver Broncos running back
I’ve been up and down so many times that I feel as if I’m in a revolving door.
Suffice to say this will be remembered as a season best forgotten.
Terry Badoo, BBC1
I feel like I’m the best, but you’re not going to get me to say that.
NFL legend Jerry Rice
It’s permanent, for now.
Former MLB outfielder Roberto Kelly on whether or not he would change his nickname Bobby in the future
I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally.
You can sum up this sport in two words: You never know.
Boxing trainer Lou Duva
A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.
I guess that makes our biggest weakness lack of strength.
Gene Stallings, Texas A&M football coach after hearing TCU head coach Abe Martin claim his team’s biggest strength is its lack of weakness
Some people have told me they dont think a fat penguin really embodies the grace of Linux, which just tells me they have never seen an angry penguin charging at them in excess of 100mph. They’d be a lot more careful about what they say if they had.
We all know the leopard cant change his stripes.
Give Bill a second term, and Al Gore and I will be turned loose to do what we really want to do.
Hillary Clinton, speaking at a Democratic fundraiser
This is a great day for France!
Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle’s Funeral
I want to gain 1500 or 2000 yards, whichever comes first.
George Rogers, New Orleans Saints running back
He’s a guy who gets up at 6 o’clock every morning regardless of what time it is.
Trainer Lou Duva, on the training regime of heavyweight boxer Andrew Golata
The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.
ESPN commentator Bob Varsha, covering a Grand Prix race
I can’t really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.
Shaquille O’Neal, when a reporter asked him if he visited the Parthenon during a trip to Greece
My sister’s expecting a baby, and I dont know if I’m going to be an uncle or an aunt.
North Carolina State basketball player Chuck Nevitt, explaining to his coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice
The first black president will be a politician who is black.
L. Douglas Wilder, governor of Virginia
640K ought to be enough for anybody.
Bill Gates - 1981
We are not without accomplishment. We have managed to distribute poverty equally.
Nguyen Co Thatch, Vietnamese foreign minister
The word genius isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.
Joe Theisman, quarterback and sports analyst
I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don’t always agree with them.
George Bush Sr.
Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, “Thank God, I’m still alive.” But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again.
Sen. Barbara Boxer, (D, Calif.)
You can’t just let nature run wild.
Wally Hickel, former governor of Alaska
If we don’t succeed we run the risk of failure.
We can’t win at home. We can’t win on the road. As a general manager, I just can’t figure out where else to play.
Orlando Magic general manager, Pat Williams on his teams 7-27 record in 1992
We are not ready for an unforseen event that may or may not occur.
Hawaii is a unique state. It is a small state. It is a state that is by itself. It is a --it is different from the other 49 states. Well, all states are different, but it’s got a particularly unique situation.
It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system!
Dan Quayle, on the concept of a manned mission to Mars
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
Former French President Charles de Gaulle
I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.
Former vice-president Dan Quayle
If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there.ll be a record.
Mark S. Fowler, FCC chairman
I can shoot with my left hand, I can shoot with my right hand. I’m amphibious.
Charles Shackleford, former NBA forward
It’s like an Alcatraz around my neck.
Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.
A letter from the Department of Social Services in Greenville, South Carolina
There’s no such thing as a tough child -- if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
At one point we decided to fight fire with fire... Well...basically... your house burned even faster.
Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.
Popular Mechanics, 1949
I think there is a world market for maybe five computers.
Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943
The graduate with a Science degree asks, Why does it work?
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, How does it work?
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, How much will it cost?
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, Do you want mustard with that?
With proper diet, rest, and exercise a healthy body will last a lifetime.
Sooner or later, most people will probably die of something.
Former Surgeon General Jocelyn Elders
You couldn’t get a clue during the clue mating season in a field full of horny clues if you smeared your body with clue musk and did the clue mating dance.
If you don’t find it in the Index, look very carefully through the entire catalogue.
Consumers Guide, Sears, Roebuck and Co. (1897)
Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always been a real deep thinker and stuff.
Billy Ray Cyrus
I want all the kids to copulate me.
Chicago Cubs Hall of Famer Andre Dawson on being a role model for children
Fade into Bolivian, I guess.
Former heavyweight champ Mike Tyson on what he would do after retiring from boxing
The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather.
I promise you a police car on every sidewalk.
If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate.
First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second, what can I say? I’m a night owl.
I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where’s Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less.
The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist.
I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?
People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president’s. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are.
The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were black, were the ultimate sacrifice.
I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves. The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600’s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican.
What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?
People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn’t break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!
I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man.